I used to think I hated chocolate. I’m serious. I never liked Hershey’s anything, I felt complete indifference towards chocolate desserts, and chocolate bars were just like eww.
But then I moved to Germany. One day I was walking down the Kurfürstendamm, a huge famous shopping street in Berlin, and some dude handed me a Kinder Bueno bar for free. When I got home that day, my palate felt especially adventurous, so I tried the chocolate bar, just so I could be like, “Y’all. Chocolate is disgusting. I’m sorry you don’t understand. But I have tried the best and the best is nasty,” and finally end the argument that I’m insane.
I ate one bite, then the whole bar, and then about 20 more since then. Because once I tried it, I realized that I love German chocolate. Because it’s real chocolate. Not weird plasticky Hershey’s kisses or sugary chocolate syrup, but real creamy melty yum.
Now that I’ve realized this, I decided it was only appropriate for me to conduct a scientific assessment of German chocolate to find the very best. So I gathered up seven of what looked like the most delicious kinds of chocolate in the grocery store chocolate aisle and set to eating all of it. Here are the notes from my evaluation:
- Ritter Sport Gebrannte Mandeln: When you walk around the touristy parts of Munich, you are bound to find at least 20 street vendors wafting out the scents of their wares to you. Probably you will be ensnared by one of them, and probably it will be the Gebrannte Mandeln man. Gebrannte Mandeln are sugar-covered almonds that smell like the entryway to sugar-encrusted heaven and taste like a crunchy sugar mouth party. These almonds are especially popular during the two big touristy times of the year, Oktoberfest and Christmas market season. And since they are associated with the Christmas markets, Ritter Sport wisely decided to incorporate them into one of their winter-themed chocolates. When you eat the Gebrannte Mandeln chocolate, the crunchy sweet almond pieces get stuck in your teeth just like the real deal and add some depth to the chocolate without distracting from it. The Ritter Sport chocolate is also especially smooth and rich but not too chocolatey gross.
- Kinder Bueno: I swear I have gotten like 10 of these for free at various shopping places. I guess Kinder knows they’re the shellac and wants to get as many unsuspecting mall-goers addicted to them as possible. The Bueno has four little bite-sized segments that are chocolatey on the outside and have a wafer shell with hazelnut whoa inside.
- Kinder Happy Hippo: This crunchy little fellah is fun to eat! Mostly because it’s more fun to eat a hippo than to have a hippo eat you. He’s similar to the Kinder Bueno, but cuter and crunchier with chocolate crispies sprinkled on his bottom half, which are probably the remnants of wallowin’ in a chocolate hippo hole.
- Milka with Daim: I still can’t bring myself to eat straight-up plain chocolate, so all the chocolates in this survey have fancy froofroo flavors to distract me a little bit from the chocolate. Baby steps, y’all. This Milka chocolate bar has little bits of Daim mixed in, which apparently is another kind of candy bar. I don’t understand the specifics, but all that matters is that this chocolate was fine, but probably a little too far on the sweet side because I’m also convinced the Daim stuff is actually just glorified toffee.
- Kinder Überraschung: Remember Nestle Wonder Balls? These little chocolate eggs are the same idea, but the prizes inside are a thousand times better. The chocolate is also much tastier. It’s got two layers: milk chocolate on the outside and white chocolate on the inside. My surprise this time around was a fancy spinning top! Minutes of entertainment.
- Kinder Country: According to previous analyses by my German Chocolate Expert Friends, this is the best Kinder chocolate. It’s filled with some vanilla-flavored sumpin that’s got little rice krispies floating around in it. Its Amazon page says that it has a “healthy portion of milk,” which basically makes it breakfast: candy-bar edition.
- Ritter Sport Caramel Orange: Oh yum. This was my first real German chocolate love, and it’s hard to be unbiased with this mouthgasm-inducing tiny square. The caramel orange filling has the consistency of peanut butter, and if we’re being completely honest here, I can’t even really taste the caramel. But the orange and chocolate combination rocks the casbah so much that I just can’t stop loving this stuff.
And the winners of the assessment are!:
- Most fun chocolate: Kinder Überraschung (runner up: Kinder Happy Hippo)
- The Old Flame Award: Ritter Sport Caramel Orange
- Best discovery: Ritter Sport Gebrannte Mandeln
- Overall Bestest Chocolate Evar: Kinder Bueno
Now please excuse me while I fall into a sugar coma for the next three hours.