Yesterday I went skiing in the German Alps. In order for you to understand what my experience was like, I need you to do the following things:
- Go to the quietest room you can find. It needs to be entirely silent except for some distant rumbles of white noise in the background. People talking or dogs barking or abominable snowmen stomping will be just fine. Once you are in this location, put like conch seashells or something over your ears to hear that sound of hollow quiet openness. Then project an image of a vast snowy mountainscape in front of you using whatever technology is most readily available. A movie theater’s projector is obviously ideal. Stare at it until you feel like you are in heaven, then keep staring.
- Find a rather large pile of something. Any pile will do, but bigger is obviously better. Put on a helmet, get a running start, and plow headfirst into that pile. You should try to get up your speed to at least 25 miles per hour before you and the pile begin your intimate rendezvous. Spend the next half hour trying to climb out of the pile and put your shoes back on. There is a bonus point opportunity here if you lose one or more of your personal belongings to the tender embrace of the pile.
- Locate a wide, tractionless, and downhill highway. It needs to have at least 20 lanes for traffic. Gather a group of about 100 people, each driving a car, and ask them to work their way across this mile-long stretch of slippery steep road. Before they start driving, tell them there are only two rules of the road: first, their driving patten must zigzag back and forth like exaggerated versions of NASCAR drivers on a caution lap; second, they should just like please try to be aware of the people around them. They will then start their engines and take off down the highway, every man for himself. Some will go slowly and cautiously, some will ignore rule number one and drive in a vertical line, and others still will drive with all doors open and only two wheels on the ground. Some people will crash into the sides of the road, some will crash into each other, but everyone will have a good time.
- Find another rather large pile of something. Near this pile, there needs to be a large rotating clothesline with two-pronged over-sized grappling hooks dangling from it. Put on roller skates and grab onto one of these hooks, placing one of the prongs behind you so that it is like you are sitting, but really you are still standing. Let the hook pull you up towards the pile. As you approach the pile, think about how fun it is to stand and not walk but still move, like on an escalator, or a Rolltreppe. Once you get near the pile, try your best to say goodbye to the grappling hook. Just be really earnest about it. The grappling hook will unfortunately be jealous of the pile and your obvious fondness for it. It will thus become angry and aggressive, and will buck you off itself and fling you head-first into the pile. You should still be wearing your helmet, but do feel free to shout out any words you can think of that rhyme with “buck.”
Once you do these activities, you will have basically experienced life on a ski slope. Just don’t forget your helmet.