For the past ten months, I’ve faithfully chronicled for you the tensions that have been slowly building between the US and Germany. You’ve followed along as German doors have refused to cooperate with me and as German words like Handschuhe have laughed haughtily at me. You’ve also witnessed me grrrowl and snarrrl at Germans with my American accent and occasionally ride the train without paying for a ticket.
On Thursday, y’all, all of this strife is finally going to come to a head. The US is playing against Germany in their third and final first-round match of the World Cup. My roommate has described the situation as a Level “Hamburger vs. Leberkässemmel” Emergency.
This crisis has occurred because both teams are tied with each other and also at the top of their first-round group. The best scenario is a tie, which would take both teams to the next round with no questions asked and no hard feelings felt. If either the US or Germany wins, though, that winning team will shout loudly, beat their chests proudly, and sidle on into the next round. With the win-lose scenario, the losing team will be immediately released into the Limbo that is the Brazilian rainforest. There they will search their souls and hail their Marys while their total points from the first-round matches are compared against Ghana’s and Portugal’s, the other two teams in this first-round group that are already in World Cup Limbo. The team in Limbo with the highest number of match points will then be released and allowed to foot some balls another day.
I am mentally preparing myself for this epic America-vs.-Germany battle by singing the Star-Spangled Banner nonstop in as many keys as my vocal range will pretend to allow. I have also been waving an American flag as frenetically as a palm tree waves its branches in a hurricane. It’s a given that I will also probably chant USA! USA! throughout the entire match.
All this America juju I’m drumming up should be enough to ensure that the US team wins. At the very least, it will be more than enough good vibrations for everyone in a 300-yard radius around me to know that I am proud to be an American, where at least I know the sport’s called soccer.